how do you catch a polar bear?

first, you dig a big hole in the ice.
then, you surround the hole with peas.
when the polar bear comes up to take a pea...
you kick him in the ice hole.

 

a friend told me this one today....

it's about a chicken, and a horse.
the chicken and the horse are friends and go everywhere together. well one day, the horse falls into some quick sand. so the chicken being a quick thinker, goes and gets the Mercedes, and pulls the horse out of the quicksand. the horse is thankful. well, another time, the chicken falls into the quicksand. the horse, being a quick thinker... tells the chicken to grab on to his 'member' and he'll pull the chicken out. the chicken agrees and the horse pulls out the chicken and they walk away into the sunset.

do you know what the moral of this story is?

if you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

--

figures, a female would tell me this joke. hehe

 

10.

9.

8.

7.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1. They have boobies.

 

You ever hear about the virgin from the sticks? Well, on her wedding day, the groom's father was giving him a pep talk. He said (with a stroooonnnngggg southern drawl), "Now, son, tonight jus' let her show ya how she likes it. By now I'm sho she knows." To which the groom replied, "But, Pa! She's a virgin." At which time the father turned to the son, his face in disgust, and yelled, "Well, that's it! The weddin's off!" Quite taken back by this, the son replies, "But, Pa! That's a good thing!" And his pa replied, "Son, if she ain't good 'nuff fer her own family, what makes you think she's good 'nuff fer ours!?"

 

if you can't keep it in your pants, keep it in the family eh? lmao. that's sick.

 

For men go golfing one day. Three of them head to the first tee while the fourth goes to take a leak. The three men start talking about their sons. The first man says,"My son is a homebuilder. He's so succesful, he built a house for his friend, free of charge."
The second man says,"My son owns a big car dealership. He's doing so well that he gave his friend a brand new Mercedes, Fully loaded."
Not to be outdone, the third man brags,"My son's a stockbroker. He gave a close buddy an entire stock portfolio."

The fourth man rejoins the group, and the first man says,"How's your son doing these days?"
"Well, my son is gay, and he go-go dances in bars," the guy replies. There's an akward silence. "I'm not thrilled about his job,"the guy continues,"but he must be doing well. He's got a new house, a Mercedes, and an impressive stock portfolio."

 

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

lmao @ Avro's...

 

this is TOO funny.....I actually have a good frined that IS A CLOWN...does all sorts of fund raisers for kids and all....THIS joke is getting forwarded to him for SURE!! LOL

 

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull dog on a leash.

Behind were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the

woman walking the dog and said "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The woman replied, "well, that first hearse is for my husband."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "my dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "well who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "my mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

 

Blond Tank

How do you stop a blonde tank?

Shoot the people pushing it!

Blonde and the Bottle Cap

Q: Why did the blonde keep taking off and putting the Pepsi bottle cap back on?

A: Because it said, ''Sorry, try again.''

Blonde in Your Fridge

Q: How can you tell a blonde's been in your fridge?
A: There is lipstick on the cucumber.

 

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out
and said, "You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you'd
like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a big decision! Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah, we took a vote... and they're in favor of it 15 to 2."

 

MR. Smith goes into his wifes doctors office to pick up some results of some testing they had performed....when he asks the receptionist for the results, she tells him to take a seat as the doctor needs to talk to him....so he is wondering and concerned.

Shortly the doctor has him come into the office and sits him down. the doctor says "Mr. Smith, I have some bad news, or some worse news, but I am not sure which." Mr. Smith was totally confused and worried at the same time. The doctor continued, you see...we have two Mrs. Smiths as patients, and they both came in about the same time for some tests....and we got things mixed up and are not sure about whos results are whos. To this Mr. Smith pops up and says "why is that a problem, just run the tests over" the doctor tells him he can't, that the tests are very expensive and that mr. smiths HMO won't pay for them. So with that Mr. Smith asks what the results of the tests were...the doctor tells him that his wife either has Altzhimers OR AIDS! Mr. Smith about faints.....the doctor gets him back in his chair and tell him "Mr. Smith...we contacted your HMO with this problem and they came up with a solution that we think will work. Take your wife downtown and drop her off....IF she can remember how to find her way home....DON'T SLEEP WITH HER!

 

 

What's the difference between a refigerator and a ***?



















A fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out