Bush's Resume...too funny, had to do it.
July-1st-2004 | 11:40 AM
#1
Thread Starter
The man behind the mask
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 11,572
From: Birmingham, AL
Bush's Resume...too funny, had to do it.
This individual seeks an executive position. He will be available next January (if there is a God), and is willing to relocate (preferably back to Crawford, TX).
RESUME
GEORGE W. BUSH
1600 Pennsylvania AvenueWashington, DC20520
EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:
Law Enforcement:
I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is not available.
Military:
I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.
College:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.
PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I ran for U.S. Congress and lost. I began my career in the oil business in Midland, Texas, in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock. I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money. With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS:
- I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America.
- I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
- I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.
- With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President after losing by over 500,000 votes.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:
- I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
- I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.
- I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.
- I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.
- I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
- I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
- I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market. In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues every month.
- I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My "poorest millionaire," Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.
- I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President.
- I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations.
- My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. History, Enron.
- My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.
- I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history. I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to
intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.
- I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.
- I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
- I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any President in U.S. history.
- I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States government.
- I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history.
- I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.
- I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.
- I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.
- I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election).
- I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.
- I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period. After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.
- I garnered the most sympathy ever for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.
- I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind.
- I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. citizens, and the world community.
- I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families in wartime.
- In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.
- I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.
- I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD.
- I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.
RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
-All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view.
- All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
- All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.
RESUME
GEORGE W. BUSH
1600 Pennsylvania AvenueWashington, DC20520
EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:
Law Enforcement:
I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is not available.
Military:
I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.
College:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.
PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I ran for U.S. Congress and lost. I began my career in the oil business in Midland, Texas, in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock. I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money. With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS:
- I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America.
- I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
- I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.
- With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President after losing by over 500,000 votes.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:
- I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
- I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.
- I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.
- I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.
- I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
- I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
- I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market. In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues every month.
- I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My "poorest millionaire," Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.
- I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President.
- I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations.
- My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. History, Enron.
- My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.
- I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history. I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to
intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.
- I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.
- I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
- I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any President in U.S. history.
- I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States government.
- I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history.
- I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.
- I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.
- I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.
- I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election).
- I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.
- I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period. After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.
- I garnered the most sympathy ever for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.
- I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind.
- I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. citizens, and the world community.
- I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families in wartime.
- In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.
- I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.
- I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD.
- I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.
RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
-All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view.
- All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
- All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.
Last edited by Roddimus Prime; July-21st-2004 at 10:21 AM.
July-1st-2004 | 04:45 PM
#3
Thread Starter
The man behind the mask
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 11,572
From: Birmingham, AL
I didn't either....actually 500,000 people voted for Gore over Bush but as we all know it's the electoral college that chooses the president not popular vote.....doesn't make sense though...if more people vote for one person they should be the president. I don't agree with Gore whining about it as much as he did but I don't think it was the right choice.
July-1st-2004 | 06:20 PM
#4
Awesome Member
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 3,186
From: Pittsburgh PA
The man is seriously deranged.
In my business I correspond with Europeans on a daily basis. They ALL agree Bush is a complete imbecile. He's a joke to them--but a scary one.
It's sad, too, because they tend to think all Americans are supportive of his policies and in effect, we are idiots, too.
In my business I correspond with Europeans on a daily basis. They ALL agree Bush is a complete imbecile. He's a joke to them--but a scary one.
It's sad, too, because they tend to think all Americans are supportive of his policies and in effect, we are idiots, too.
July-1st-2004 | 07:17 PM
#5
Registered User
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 661
From: Seattle, WA
I usually think that political assaniations are a bad thing, but if he gets elected again.....
Anyone who agrees or does not agree with this thread should go see farenheit 9/11. Yeah yeah, Michael Moore's a crackpot bush hater, whatever. It's a great movie and many are saying it is the best documentarie ever made. It really will change your viewpoint on Bush and the world in general, even if you agree that bush is the worst thing to happen to this country since Pee Wee Herman. GO SEE IT!! The brute squad commands it.
Anyone who agrees or does not agree with this thread should go see farenheit 9/11. Yeah yeah, Michael Moore's a crackpot bush hater, whatever. It's a great movie and many are saying it is the best documentarie ever made. It really will change your viewpoint on Bush and the world in general, even if you agree that bush is the worst thing to happen to this country since Pee Wee Herman. GO SEE IT!! The brute squad commands it.
July-2nd-2004 | 09:14 AM
#8
Thread Starter
The man behind the mask
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 11,572
From: Birmingham, AL
What I find so funny about farenehit 9-11 is that everyone is saying he manipulated what people are saying.....I've watched the 7 minute trailer and there is a scene with a member of congress. Michael asks him, "Why did Congress read and pass this bill (about security and your private information)??"
The member of congress, "Sit down my son....We don't read half the bills that come through here. If we did we'd spend our time doing nothing but reading."
There were no cuts in the video, there was no sound dubbing or voice overs....it was a member of congress telling the world that our politicians don't do their jobs. We know they don't do them....when they tell us they don't do them why is it so much more difficult to believe??
The member of congress, "Sit down my son....We don't read half the bills that come through here. If we did we'd spend our time doing nothing but reading."
There were no cuts in the video, there was no sound dubbing or voice overs....it was a member of congress telling the world that our politicians don't do their jobs. We know they don't do them....when they tell us they don't do them why is it so much more difficult to believe??
July-2nd-2004 | 11:45 AM
#9
Registered User
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 661
From: Seattle, WA
Have you not seen the movie yet matt? That scenes perfectly placed with all the other stuff thats goin on too. You just gotta start laughing. Another of my favorite partsis when Moore and a Marine Lt. go around DC asking cngressmen (only 1 of which has a son or daughter in Iraq) to sign their kids up for the military. The people they ask just give them back the blankest, stupidest, "what the hell are you talking about" looks. A few actually run away when he says he's Michael Moore.
July-2nd-2004 | 11:48 AM
#10
Thread Starter
The man behind the mask
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 11,572
From: Birmingham, AL
yeah, I saw that in the preview as well...I'm waiting for the buzz to die down some. I don't ever like to support ANY movie opening weekend.....hollywood places so much emphasis on "open wkeend numbers" I don't want to be a part of it. Also, I hate crowded theaters....though here in alabama we'll sell out 3 theaters of "Passion of the christ" but if you walk into see Farenheit people protest you like you're getting an abortion.
I hate some of these ultra-conservatives who couldn't buy a clue with bush's campaign fund.
I hate some of these ultra-conservatives who couldn't buy a clue with bush's campaign fund.
July-2nd-2004 | 12:08 PM
#11
Registered User
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 661
From: Seattle, WA
Man I was actually very suprised by that. The only theatre that's even showing it in this half of the state is the Rave in vestavia, and they're showing it on three screens, 12 or 13 times a day. And I went to see it monday, three days after it opened, and it was STILL selling out every showing. Even in Bama!! And on the ultra snooty, mega conservative Mountain Brookers doorstep!